My heart broke. I closed my eyes under my sunglasses as tears filled them. (Note: Dark sunglasses should be on every kindergarten mom’s back to school list…oh, the tears they hide…!)
My five-year-old daughter choked out the words through sobs. My husband tried to convince her to go through the school gate and walk to her kindergarten class. She stepped away from the gate. Daddy motioned for me to come up to talk to our daughter. Oh my…
Day four of kindergarten.
I whispered to our daughter. Held her. Felt her pain. Forced myself not to hold her hand and walk her back home…with me. Eventually, I had to walk away hearing my daughter continue to cry. Hiding behind the bushes, my husband and I waited till another teacher walked our daughter to her class. She was no longer crying.
I can’t say the same for myself.
This kindergarten week has been sooo much harder than I ever thought –
for ME! Ha! My daughter has done incredibly well (until this morning, but I
know that right now, three hours into her day, she is having a blast talking
and playing with her new friends. Each day she doesn’t finish all her lunch
because she’s talking to her friends! Ha! Yes, that’s my fun, social girl!)
School has changed our days completely. I haven’t figured out a system/schedule
that works well for my younger sons in relation to dropping off/picking up
Micayla from school. I know, it’s only day four. Still, my life has forever
changed. In so many ways.
And I’m having a hard time adjusting.
I drop off my daughter at a brand spanking new place five days per
week, six hours per day. I entrust her to the school and the administration and
teachers they hire, hoping she is not only safe, but loved on and encouraged.
And, you know what, I honestly believe the school does those things. I just
don’t get to see it every minute. I
can’t call my daughter on a cell phone and speak to her while she’s in school. I
can’t walk to the next room and watch her coloring her table work pages or
chatting with her new BFF (she calls this child her best friend because it’s
the only other girl in her class whose name she knows!).
Sending my daughter to school requires faith. Faith in her teacher,
administration, other teachers and staff, and, perhaps, even in the other
students. It also requires faith from me to let her go, trusting she will still
make the right choices even if/when others are not. Faith that I have instilled
in her who God says she is: wonderfully made.
Kindergarten is so much more than shapes, colors, letters and numbers.
It’s independence, an even bigger sense of freedom and maturity. It’s letting
my precious little caterpillar become a butterfly. I have loved, LOVED her being in my safe cocoon at home with me each day.
I miss it so much! Yet, deep down I think she’ll thrive in school. Right now, I
think it’s best for her, even if I don’t feel like it’s best for me. I admit
that I’m the first one at the pick-up gate (in fact, I was there 30 minutes
early Monday…I thought maybe they’d get out early…haha (for real though, I did)!)
and that I take my first deep breath of the day when I see her run toward me. I
am jump-up-and-down-happy to see her at 2:50 each day.
I wonder if God feels the same…? How happy He must be when we run
[back] into His arms – anytime. He lets us “go” make our own choices. All the
while hoping we invite Him to go through life with us. He longs to love us,
help us, give us good gifts and let us experience His good plans.
But before any of that can happen, He lets us “go.”
My experience is that letting go is the hardest thing to do…
So, tomorrow, if my daughter says “I’m scared” and I want to respond
with “ME TOOOO!” maybe I should instead say “Do not fear, God is with you and
He will help you.” Isaiah 41 promises that. It’s a promise for Micayla and me
to hold tight to, now and always. We just have to have faith in Him to help and
trust that He will.
Tomorrow is another opportunity for my faith to increase. Thank you,
God???!!! No, really, thank you, God?!? (Ok, well, I’m getting there…!)
